Growing Pains: I'm lonely, but I'm growing.

Original post date April 11, 2016

Lonely: causing sad feelings that come from being apart from other people

"I was so lost, waiting for happiness and growth to appear magically. I was often told to "Be happy, love yourself, figure it out," do better", but no one ever showed me how to achieve these things. I envision BLCNY being that "how to" blueprint place for girls and women."

This quote was composed as a part of BLCNY's mission statement and my speech, given at the launch event. At the time, I was and still am happily achieving my goals, but I was scared to admit one thing, I was lonely in my growth. Creating a "how to" place, focused on life skills and life coaching, is significantly important to me because, as I stated above, people often bark opinions, advice, and judgement, to those who they deem 'lost,' misguided or seeking, but leave the out one the most important parts of business minding, which is guidance. My loneliness stemmed from being in a new physical and metal head space. I no longer had a need for certain worldly people, places, and things, so my drift from my 'normal' into "you've changed" began. No longer fitting in and having the same interest as people you've known almost all of your life, leaves you emotionally stranded, searching for a life preserver. No one ever told me I'd feel misunderstood, sensitive and raw. "I'm moving, why aren't you moving too?" I thought of some friends and family. But I now realize how selfish it was for me to assume that my journey should be their journey.

Mourning: the act of sorrowing

The mourning period began when I started life coaching certification classes. For the first time in a long time, I couldn't attend brunches and various events; I had no interested other than the topics of my classes, homework, clients, business plans, LLC's, etc. I felt guilty for growing. And then I felt guilty about my guilt, for feeling guilty. After several years of being in tuned with my circle, I suddenly felt like the outsider. There was now an empty space in the world that my old character used to fill. As a former self-sabotage-er, I mastered the signs and decided that I had to figure out what part of my self-image was false, and I needed to live up to it or lose it. It was fine to miss and reminisce, about yesteryear, but it wasn't ok to disrespect my purpose and achievements by allowing guilt to overshadow the blessings I asked God for, that he graciously was bestowing on me.

Growth: progressive development

The educator, Iyanla Vanzant says PAIN stands for Pay Attention Inward Now. So that's what I did, I looked inward to address and decipher why and what I was feeling. I realized that I was scared of no longer being popular, in the way I've always been. If I didn't party, have a drink in my hand, and partake in everything else I used to frequent, would I still matter? The answer: A resounding HELL YES!! I am ALWAYS ENOUGH! By acknowledging and feeling our feelings, we allow them to flow freely and escape. When that happens, we allow space for clarity. When I did this, I realized my friends and family were mourning too. Though your loved ones are happy for you, it's not easy to watch someone become a new version of themselves. Just as I wondered if my new driven self would be accepted, they wondered if they would still be accepted by me. They too are experiencing my growing pains. The reality is, everyone can't and won't come with you. Whoever is meant to be a part of your evolution, will be there through its duration in some capacity. I'll turn my mourning into a celebration of life, lessons and hold those who I lost on the other side of the glass, of my memories museum.

Whatever doesn't grow dies. We all mature physically and numerically, but mentally and spiritually, is optional. I refuse to emotionally, spiritually or mentally die, so I will continue to grow, process and embrace these growing pains while being open to going new experinces, places, meeting new, like-minded individuals, who share my interest; as well as aim to continue to connect with my friends and bond on the new levels we're on. Adulting is so hard! But nobody told me that.  

Update 8/8/16

It has been said that one's evolution will require isolation. Knowing this does nothing to take the anxiety and fear of separation and loneliness away from me. I'm growing, but I'm lonely is more than just a blog I wrote this was a reality from my perception. The beautiful thing about growth is the process. In the four months since I originally wrote this blog, I've learned so much. I now understand and attempt to define my feelings and emotions correctly, before labeling them something they may not be. Here's what I learned: there is a difference in being alone vs. being lonely. Being “By Yourself” is when you feel the lack, the separation, and the deprivation of something or someone else. Being “with yourself” is when you’re taking the time to get acquainted or reacquainted with who you are and the life that’s flowing within you. I'm am not lonely; I am alone with myself. Hello, Clarity!

Are there times during my journey that I feel like I'm by myself and am lonely? YES! But for the most part, that's not what it is, at least for me. Knowing the difference helped me break down and dissect my fear of missing out, not being recognized for who I now am vs. who I was, or fitting in with those I've always known. Those fears are now trumped by my appreciation feelings for who they were to me, and me to them; what we've shared; and the excitement of who I'm becoming, where I'm going, who I will meet and what will develop. I'm with myself.

xCoach Stefanie

Have you experienced "By Yourself" or "With Yourself"? Are you experiencing "growing pains?"

Let's have some 'girl talk'

Coach Stefanie, Life Architect


Join BLCNY's Vibe Tribe!

Vibrations sent directly to your inbox. Discounts on all coaching services, including Parties With A Purpose. Access to all vlogs, blogs, podcast episodes, events and all things BLCNY and Coach Stefanie, VIP style, first!