"I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so special about that space. Even my emotions had an echo and so much space. Does that make me crazy?"
'Crazy' Gnarls Barkley
After Debating with myself for too long, whether or not to attach this video to this blog, I finally justified its participation due to my intent. Who am I kidding? Even as you read this, I'm debating restructuring or deleting this in its entirety. Hola self-doubt. You are the reason for this gathering and even after taking center stage, you still aren't satisfied. F*ck you! You're an unwelcomed bastard, and your feet stick! I digress...
As I stated in the video, I feel like most people post these kinds of vids for dramatic effect, 'likes' clicks, etc. Yes, there is some form of the narcissistic egotistical inspiration behind it, I'm brave enough to admit that. Because, who records themselves crying? Apparently, I do. Who knew?! I am no longer worried about 'followers,' 'likes' or comments. I am genuinely interested in provoking thought, and reliving the optional, self-imposed suffering of others, including myself, even if it's just a little bit of relief. On this day, the spirit self-doubt was ablaze throughout my entire being, like a menopausal hot flash will be in a few years. With all the beautiful things I have going on for myself, like, BLCNY, Not Your Momma's Podcast, life, health, etc., for some reason, maybe because I'm human, at times, I never feel like I'm doing enough. As someone who helps others discover their version of happy, I feel pressure to always to be happy, and have it together, which I am excited to say that I don't! Some of this pressure is self-imposed, other sources are from my loved ones who sometimes make funny faces, blank stares of dismissal, hand gestures and statements of "girl please!" when I voice or display an insecurity. I believe that they think that this is a form of praise or complimentary to my growth and have no intent to dismiss or hurt me or my feelings...but they do. As wonderful, supportive and present as my "squad" is, I don't always feel supported when my humanity is activated, in the form of insecurity. That's clearly an area where I don't feel free, which means more 'Adulting' is needed in the shape of acknowledgment and a conversation.
Before recording this, I fought my emotional uninvited visitor all day and hard! I took deep breaths, took a walk, did some work, coached two people successfully, had lunch with a friend, read some chapters of a new book, attempted to affirm myself, etc. None worked! And then, my visitor, who at this point stunk up my mental bathroom and ate all my mental food; looked me in my emotional eye and said: "You know if you don't acknowledge me, even if you kick me out, I will continue to come back. And when I return, I'll eventually move from a squatter to renter, to buyer and then I'll call my cousin depression to start spending the night. You know this already. Don't you teach this stuff?!" This type internal "Horton Hears a Who" conversation was a usual occurrence for my 'demons' and I. We talk, I know them by name and actively work on their ancestry. It is imperative to understand the roots of your pain so that you can manage, or kill it from its source of power.
I don't blow ass smoke! So I'm not going to spew some "You're on the cusp of your breakthrough moment" BS, all the time, like most in my position do. They tend to give you a band-aid, for a broken bone, so that you can keep coming back for more maksed 'healing' aka rehashing. My honesty and direct coaching approach will cause you to feel that fracture, tear or break in all places, but it will also give you the tools to reset and cast so that it can heal in its new, necessary place. There will be times no matter how evolved you are when you can say all the 'right' words and affirmations to yourself all damn day long. Know in your heart and mind that you are enough, but it won't matter: your feelings just don't connect with what you need or want them to, at times, and you need to learn to be okay with that. You have to acknowledge, address and honor your current feelings vs. suppressing and masking them. And oh, how I wanted to mask my new temporary tenant with my favorite vices...food, liquor, shopping, being angry, mean and aunry. But I didn't (Applaud me!) Ha! Again, who am I kidding? Bra-less, in granny panties, on my couch, with my cat staring at me with eyes full of feline judgment; I sucked the meat off of a spicy Popeye’s breast and wing after I bathed it all in hot sauce. I double strawberry jellied that buttermilk biscuit, and finished if off with green beans and a half bag of sweet and salty kettle popcorn for desert. Humanity activated! As I burped and rubbed my belly, I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling when I was feeling it. I let the tears flow and embraced the 'ugly cry' and all the ugly feelings attached to it. It was a really, really, really, hard day of survival, nothing more and barely that. Before I knew it, the sun set on a new day and I didn't feel good, I felt better. And each day the 'better' increased because I choose to invite 'better' over to join me and self-doubt. Eventually, because I faced, and then stopped feeding him, SD didn't feel wanted anymore.
Others succeeding doesn't mean I'm not and I won't. Others expectation invitations, don't require my RSVP. I'm in tuned with myself enough to know when my self-doubt knocks on my emotional door for a visit; it is triggered by some form of comparison or expectation, from others, myself or a combination of the two. As an entrepreneur, still working a 9- 5, waiting and working towards the day where my passion overflows with abundance; or even as a 'normal' person, it's extremely difficult not to feel as if you're running in quicksand. Why is so hard for some of us to be content with our everything? What I find by coaching others, and for myself, is that these feelings are due to some of the following reasons:
- Many of us were never raised to believe that we were enough just as we are. We come from an upbringing that didn't acknowledge any achievement if it had nothing to do with A grades, honor rolls, becoming a doctor, lawyer, a first round draft pick, pageant winner, or anything that made our parents or loved ones proudly yell: "that's my baby!" If you were never praised unless you met others expectations, how do you identify, protect and nurture your own 'enoughness' and self-worth, to combat self-doubt?
- Defining and comparing success and happiness through fame and social media. In this celebrity obsessed, 'see me now' culture, comparison seems inevitable. If you're not married or having a baby by a rapper, on a reality show. Has a hit record/beat you made in your basement, live in a mega mansion, has the 'perfect body', has a clothing line, naked, fighting and compromising yourself, or have a million plus followers who buy your flat tummy tea or bathing suits, you're a 'basic' bitch who isn't 'winning'. Also, feeding into what your 'friends,' followers and family post about their lives, and comparing it to your own. Before you say "nah, I don't do that" just know if you've ever type or said #Goals you have. Sure, that pic of your cousins new car, or post of your friends new house looks fantastic, and you may be genuinely happy for them, but you don't see the entire scenario. With no idea what it took to get the #goals life you want, how do you really know you want it? How much power does the allure of someone else's life have over the view of your own? Being your youest you, will always beat being a copy of me. This is one reason I often recommend an online cleanse with my clients. Does your timeline serve your growth, or feed your insecurities?
- Pain is seductive and masked well. Like many predators, we must understand that they/it may not look like the boogie man. Your attacker may very well be a valued family member, or friend. The comforting face of the friendly neighbor, or the sexy trusted lover. We must not negotiate with our intuition. When the little hairs on the back or our neck stand up, our gut is unsettled, and we feel a shift in our personal atmosphere, we must take heed. It's time to batten down the hatches and be spiritually, mentally and emotionally in shape, for the brewing storm ahead.
- Our subscription to the “I don’t believe in therapy!” or “I don’t need no help!” mindset. Minorities, I’m talking to you! Yes, us black, Spanish, and all brown folk, the "just pray about it" saints, who think Jesus will condemn them to the firey pits of Satan's hell for accessing the help he created. And us cultural crutch-ers, who use the historical tactics of our ancestors, the under the rug sweep technique, from the motherland, as justification to disrespect pain and stay stuck in suffering. I’m tired of being strong, or at least appearing that way all the time, for the culture. My soul needs rest, release, and rejuvenation. And so does yours!
- What we never had, we seek. And we get it because we know not what to do with it, we sabotage and destroy it. The only way to unlearn this pattern is to be aware of it, acknowledge it, feel it and face it.
The temptation to quit, due to self-doubt will be greatest when you’re about to go to the next level, or succeed. Never be afraid to hit the reset button, and start over the next minute, hour or day. We can manage and in some cases eliminate our 'demons' including self-doubt, if we want to, and more importantly if we take action to do so. You have a life coach, and your life coach has a life coach. So what?!
Did any of these words connect with you? Feel free to remove your mask and share. Your feelings, emotions and opinions are safe here.
Let's have some 'girl talk'
Coach Stefanie, Life Architect
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